Let me say up front…just kidding!
Orlando, FL – A disturbing new company has entered the veterinary pet care landscape and is spreading like wildfire across the US, with hundreds of clinics popping up, practically overnight, from coast to coast. I’m talking about Deep State Veterinarians. If you haven’t heard of Deep State Veterinarians yet, let me just say beware.
Deep State Veterinarians is the brainchild of Donna Marini. She is the CEO and self-proclaimed “best thing to ever happen to your pets.” Marini comes across as charming and even likeable, but one can’t help but notice her cavalier attitude toward pet privacy and your pets’ right to protect their personal data. Marini says that information like what your pets watch on TV after you leave for work, and what shoes they like to chew on is valuable, and she intends to get at it. “None of my pets have been mailed a privacy policy statement in the last year that I can recall, while I’ve received at least six, so there you go,” says Marini.
Marini’s Deep State Veterinarians clinics are wildly popular with cats and dogs, and if you haven’t taken your pet to one, let me warn you, it may not be up to you. “We’ve integrated our clinics with Alexa and Uber, so your pets can easily make appointments and hail a ride while you’re at work or out for dinner.” Marini says. This might explain the sudden steep increase in the company’s stock price.
Even more cunning than providing convenience and transportation to your pets so they can easily get to Marini’s clinics, the treatment your pets receive when they arrive is simply a level above anything they experience at other veterinary clinics. When was the last time you saw cats and dogs sprawled out with mud packs and cucumbers covering their eyes at the vet? While Marini may seem like she cares for your pets, there’s a not-so-subtle undertone of ruthlessness in her approach and her statements. Perhaps that explains the brazenness of the company’s tagline, “not our fault your pets can’t keep secrets.”
What kind of secrets is Marini talking about? Marini wouldn’t tip her hand, but she did offer this. “Look, your pets are talking. They’re talking at the dog park, the cat scratching post, and over Alexa when you’re not around. I bet you didn’t know they created their own backchannel on Alexa. How do you think your Netflix password got used by every house on your block when nobody was home? And I’m supposed to be the bad guy? Do you even really know your pets? How do you think that makes them feel?”
Marini wouldn’t say exactly what methods she employs to get your pets to spill information, but we did notice cases of Reese’s Pieces stacked up in the lobby of the clinic in the Orlando location we visited. An Amazon delivery truck departed just as we arrived. Another feature of Marini’s unique clinics is her art studios, where her cats and dogs are free to express themselves on canvas. Their favorite theme appears to be “what we do when nobody’s home.” Does Marini profit off the art of her clients by selling their merchandise of this very website? “Sure,” she says. “But we offer our services for free, so who’s not winning here? I mean, really. Until pets get opposable thumbs, or pockets, how would they even pay me anyway?”
Noted pet privacy expert Sam Fartman (@gasleak) says pet owners should be outraged by Marini’s antics and stay away from Deep State Veterinarians. “Don’t fall for Marini’s irresistible charm like your pets do. The best thing you can do for the well-being of everyone concerned is to sound the alarm on social media about Deep State Veterinarians and Marini’s antics. Share this article immediately, and even buy her Deep State Veterinarians merchandise, because at least you’ll be creating buzz for her. And if nothing else, you’ll keep Deep State Veterinarians growing and opening new locations. Wait, that’s not right. She’s got me all twisted up now. Ugh!!
Marini also runs Deep State Motor Company, Deep State Cosmetic Surgery, Deep State Cookie Company, Deep State Auto Repair, and a host of other companies under her Sunbands brand. Do not buy ANY of her Deep State Shenanigans merchandise, especially if you are a softball team, or an intramural team, or a bowling team, or any kind of team, and need a cool team name and uniforms. But if you must support her and her shady businesses, please wear the merch proudly :-).